A Guide to Expressing Condolences

I consider myself a tactful talker — however, sometimes I am tongue-tied. Usually these situations involve expressing condolences to someone who has recently lost a loved one. I am always so flummoxed. Do I offer words of encouragement or advice {“Everything will be okay”}? Do I just say “I’m sorry”? Unfortunately, these are questions that we’ll all have to ask ourselves eventually, which is why I am so pleased to have Bonnie from Mango Salute with us today. She has written some wonderful pointers on expressing condolences, specifically in condolence cards:

A Guide to Expressing Condolences

It can be quite difficult to know what words to use in a sympathy card; there is no doubt that we want to choose carefully and bring comfort to the bereaved. However, knowing what to say can be difficult, and is influenced by many things from your relationship with the person who has died and the bereaved, to the circumstances of death.

Before starting to write there are a few things to consider:

• Who was the person who died and the circumstances?

• What was their relationship with the bereaved?

• What is your relationship with these people?

• Are there any special circumstances, religious, cultural and or personal considerations?

• What do you think the mourners will appreciate from you?

Now roughly write down what you think you’d like to say, point form is fine.

The next step is to refine your thoughts and put these into their final form:

• What will my card look like?

• Should I include a recorded message? What will I put in it?

• How should I start my card?

       ·“My condolences”, “I am sorry for your loss”, “I was sad to hear…”

• What should be in the rest of the card?

       ·Write more about how you feel: “I don’t know what to say”, “I will miss…”, “I am sorry…”

      ·Say something nice: “We always enjoyed each other’s company”, “I admire their…”, “They were always there to help others…”

      ·Offer support: “I can’t imagine how you feel”, “I am thinking/praying for you”, “I wish I could be there with you”, “My heart goes out to you…”

      ·Finish briefly- “My love,” “With care,” “Sincerely,”

• Then review your words; ask yourself:

      ·Is my message patronizing and negative or positive and comforting?

      ·Do they say what I think the bereaved will appreciate from me?

      ·Is my message short or rambling; is it unnecessarily long?

With the technological advancements in the greeting card industry, you can now further personalize your outreach by adding pictures or even sometimes a video if done online. This is a difficult decision that you have to make because e-cards often lack the intimate nature of a hand written card. However, if you think a video would be more meaningful than holding an actual physical card, I encourage you to do so.  A great idea of a video could possibly be embedding an old home movie that featured the deceased or something showing the good times and not focusing on you.

Bonnie is a writer and contributor at Mango Salute, a small boutique greeting card company that specializes in custom cards. They produce cards from 21st birthday cards, random cards to say hi, every religious holiday you can think of, and everything in-between. In her spare time Bonnie loves to try interesting restaurants and one day hopes to travel back to France for the best culinary experience in the world.

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Thank you so much, Bonnie! With Bonnie’s suggestions taken into consideration, a good condolence message should focus on the person who has recently passed; and let his/her relative/friend know that you are thinking of them during this difficult time.

Our best friend recently lost his mother to a long battle with breast cancer. I really admired what my own mother wrote in her condolence card to him: a beautiful paragraph about how much my friend’s mother added to this world, how she was “dynamo” and talented. In short, my mother focused on celebrating my friend’s mother’s life.

I think it is important to let people know how much their loved one impacted you; or share a story about the loved one {if you knew him/her well or grew up together}. It is comforting to people to know that even though their loved one is gone, they will be remembered.

Remember that this sort of situation, of course, is not a one-size-fits-all situation. As Bonnie says, what you say will be dictated by your relationship with the deceased; and/or your relationship with his/her family friends.

Do you have any input for writing tasteful condolences, or comforting someone if they lose a loved one? If so, please share! We do not profess to be the experts by any means, but hope that this blog post will give some direction if you find yourself in a situation where you need to express your condolences, and you aren’t quite sure what to say.